What Exactly Is Coercive And Controlling Behavior?

Although it is sometimes described merely as coercive and controlling behavior within the context of these relationships, the term actually covers a huge range of different behaviors.

Sometimes it’s tough to spot what actually is coercive controlling behavior because it interlinks with other types of abuse such as physical and sexual abuse.

So in this quick guide, we’re going to cover everything you need to know about coercive and controlling behavior.

We will go through each of the basic groups of coercive controlling behavior, and talk about how they link into the big picture of domestic abuse.

Deprivation Of Basic Needs

When someone deprives your basic needs, they either deprive you the means to get them, or they physically stop you from obtaining and using them.

Basic needs can be anything from food, to sanitary products, cleaning and dressing, and many other areas of human dignity. By controlling, and using as a weapon, those basic needs, it emphasizes the complete control they have over your life.

Basic needs can also be financial, although this tends to be classed as financial/economic abuse within its own description.

Also, deprivation of basic needs doesn’t just mean the abused person. Often it means their children. They are denied toys and other basic needs in order to control them and ensure gratefulness when things are provided to children.

Isolation From People Around You

Being isolated from the people around them is another form of coercion and control.

This isolation can be completely total. They are never allowed out. Sometimes even the extent of being physically restrained to stop them. This is extreme but it happens.

The isolation tends to start gently. Suggesting they don’t go out but stay with the abuser. Then this becomes more consistent until, through various methods, they give up all control over who they see.

Also, they will turn people against them and vice versa. They will sow seeds in their mind about the trustworthiness of that person, or imply that they have done or said something against them.

Through various strategies the idea is to get them to completely rely on their stop to not see anyone else other than them, and for them to have absolute control over when they go out, and who they see.

At the heart of this, path and control, is usually intense jealousy. They are scared that they will meet someone else, or realize how bad they are. Therefore, by cutting them off, there is less chance of this happening.

Also, the fewer people they have around them, the less support they have to fight back. They will be completely on their own and at the mercy of the abuser.

Financial & Economic Control

Financial and economic control are actually slightly different, although part of the same abuse strategy. Financial control is where the money of the abused person is limited or monitored, or sometimes both.

They will have to justify every single penny they spend. They will be checked up on, and they will never be given enough money if any.

Every penny that is earned goes through the abuser, who will not justify their own spending at all and will get angry and make out that you are a bad person if you challenge them. But it’s also about economic control. This is as extreme as stopping the person from working completely so that they have no independent power within the relationship, or to leave it.

It could also be limiting the job they do, limiting the hours they do, or insisting that they work at certain times.

Some abusers will deliberately enforce menial and degrading jobs on someone who is intelligent in order to break them down and make them feel worthless. So economic control goes far beyond financial control because it deliberately limits and damages someone’s ability to escape.

Controlling Where You Go And Who You See

Controlling where you go on who you see is the classic coercive controlling behavior mechanism of control over another. In controlling who they see, they limit their access to outside resources and opinions. It also strengthens their bond with the abuser because the only human interaction they get is with them.

It also is about jealousy. They will demand to know who you are with and where you are all times, and will never really believe you.

They will also limit you from seeing people they know could be problematic. For example, if it’s a friend they don’t like, who they feel could tell the abused person that that is the case and how they need to get out, then that person will be made bad and they won’t be allowed to see them.

So controlling where you go on who you see is also about turning you against other people, and turning them against you, as well as general control.

Forcing You Into Criminal Activity

Many abuse survivors have been forced into criminal activity. It could be as simple as ignoring drug use under their roof.

But it could also be knowing that someone is dealing drugs, and even having to handle drugs and money for them.

Sometimes, it goes as far as them being used as the drug mule in order to implicate them through fear, gaining more control over them.

But it could be anything illegal. It could be fraud or some other financial crime. Whatever it is, it has the dual purpose of moving their risk to you and implicating the you so that you are trapped with the abuser even more.

Forcing You Into Sexual Activity

Forcing someone into sexual activity with the abuser, friends of the abuser, or even for money the abuser keeps, is more common than is thought by many. By forcing someone into sexual activity they degrade them and take control of their very nature.

This is mostly done through threats of violence, and after ensuring that the victim has fallen in love with the abuser.

Often, money is made from that person as part of a strategy of the abuse which turns that person into little more than an object.

abused woman

Stalking, Following, And Tracking You

Abusive partners often stalk the people they are with. This can be physically following them, remotely following them, or a combination of both.

Stalking and physically means following them. Trying to catch them out, trying to catch them in the act of whatever is in their twisted mind they think is going to happen. Usually, they are terrified that the abused person is going to meet someone who could turn them against the abuser.

It’s also a fear that they will come back, which would break the chain of abuse.

The tracking can also be remote. There have been a lot of talks recently about the Apple GPS tracking devices that are designed for things like bags, which have been used to track people’s whereabouts instead.

Creating Dependency To Control

Dependencies are created in vulnerable people by taking control of their emotions first. Usually, a manipulative person will flood the abused person with love and attention to get them to fall for them, once they have feelings, it puts them under their control even more.

As well as the dependency on love is the dependency of shared space. Abusive partners tend to move in as quickly as possible and dominate their partner’s space, making it their own and taking control of everything.

Taking away resources such as money, controlling food, where they go, and relying on the abusive partner to take them places will give them permission, it all creates a growing dependency on the abuser in order to function.

Manipulation Of Professionals So They Work Against You

An abuser will try and manipulate any professionals who could come between them and the person they control.

It could be convincing healthcare professionals that there are mental health problems in the person that manifest themselves in self-harm or delusion. Anything to be able to turn doubt onto the claims made.

It could be trying to manipulate the courts in order to gain custody so that the children can then be used as a weapon.

I know one extreme situation where a corrupt doctor was paid by a drug dealer for the prostitutes he pimped. That Doctor would diagnose them with mental health problems and prescribe antidepressants.

Worse than that, the doctor would convince the women that they were mentally unwell and get them to sign paperwork that handed power of attorney to the abuser. This paperwork was entirely false, but the victims were so confused that they believed they had signed away their rights and now legally had to do as they were told.

Limiting Options To Get Away From The Relationship

Once control has been established, you don’t want all that hard work to go to waste as an abuser, do you? That’s why abusive people always try and limit the options for the other person to escape the relationship once they have total control over it and that person.

Financially they will take all the money away and control it. They may allow the person a car, but it not will be in their name. The house or rent will always be in the abusive partners name so that there is nowhere for the other person to go.

Basically, they were limit options of escape so that if the person has to get away, they have literally no resources do it with.

Fake Pee For Drug Test: Review Of The Best Synthetic Urine Kits

If you’re facing an unsupervised drug test then the best synthetic urine, used correctly, is the easiest way to pass every time.

This is a complete guide to doing just that. A full set of synthetic urine reviews, tells you how to use the top four best brands.

But it’s more than that. I will also cover the brands of fake urine that you shouldn’t use, and why the fake urine kits they produce just aren’t up to standard. I will talk to you about my own experiences in passing drug tests. I’ve passed one with the detox drink, and two with the same brand of synthetic urine.

So this will also contain my top tips on using fake pee for drug tests, and how to minimize your chances of getting caught out.

Let’s Start By Explaining The Three Different Types Of Urine Drug Test

You should only use fake urine for an unsupervised drug test. Let me just explain what the three different types of drug tests you could face are:

  1. The unsupervised drug test is where you are not being observed. You will either be behind a screen or even in a completely separate room when you submit the sample.
  2. A supervised drug test is where someone will remain in the room with you when you submit the sample into the cup. That doesn’t mean they are staring straight at you, but they will be a huge deterrent.
  3. An observed drug test is where someone directly watches you urinate into the cup. This is to 100% verify that the specimen is yours.

Now, a little confusion is that supervised and observed drug testing can be the same thing. So it could be called a supervised test, and you could be directly observed.

But the thing is, you shouldn’t ever face a supervised/observed drug test unless the drug test is for law enforcement, probation, or court purposes. The only time that you could face a supervised test without any of the above being in force is if you have failed a previous drug test and are having a retest.

As long as it’s a standard drug test, say for a job interview, or whatever, then you shouldn’t have anyone observing you when you urinate, which makes it perfect for using fake urine.

Fake Urine & Drug Testing

If you’re facing a urine drug test, you have three strategies to pass it is someone who smoked weed, or take something else that could show up on the test:

  1. You get yourself naturally clean. You could accelerate this with something like Toxin Rid, a course of detox pills which rapidly eliminate toxins from the body.
  2. You can mask the toxins for a few hours with the detox drink. This could be used in conjunction with a natural detox of short, or longer duration, to minimize the toxin levels.
  3. You submit a fake sample bypassing any analysis of your own urine at all.

The best way to get clean is to be naturally clean. However, that can take several weeks if you are a chronic weed smoker (some studies have shown that weed metabolites can stay in the body for two months or more if there are high levels of them), and even a couple of weeks for a heavy user of something else.

Even accelerated with detox pills, it’s going to take you at least a week to get clean and you may not have that time.

Detox drinks definitely work, but only for a few hours. If you have tons of drug metabolites in your body, you may only get two hours, and there’s always a chance that toxins could leak into your urine stream early.

That’s why for supervised standard drug testing, fake urine should be your number one strategy.

Why Can’t I Just Use Someone Else’s Urine For Free?

This is a brilliant question and there’s absolutely no reason why you can’t use someone else’s urine.

You’ve still got some issues though.  You’ve still got to smuggle it in. You also have to make sure it’s within the correct temperature range.

Plus, you’ll have to do it fast. Even in the refrigerator, it’s only going to last a few hours before the sample starts to go cloudy and stringy.

On top of all that, how can you be sure the urine is clean? Your buddy might be telling you they haven’t taken anything for weeks, what about if they have forgotten something?

Overall, why take a huge risk to save $100 or less, when just by investing a bit of cash can almost guarantee to pass any level of drug test scrutiny. I know someone who did exactly this a few years back and they failed. It didn’t take a genius to just look at the urine and see that it hadn’t been freshly done. There are clear signs.

If you don’t believe me, urinate into a clear container, screw on a lid, and then leave it for three hours at room temperature.

What The Best Synthetic Urine Kits Consist Of

So how exactly do you spot the best synthetic urine when there are a myriad of products out there?

Well, you can partly look at user reviews. Fake urine reviews can be a good benchmark, as long as there are plenty of positive ones from diverse sources. But mostly, it’s looking at two factors. What the urine consists of, and what options it gives you the heating it up and keeping it within the correct temperature range.

Here’s what the best fake urine has to have going for it (as a minimum):

  • Urea
  • Uric acid
  • Creatinine
  • Balanced for ph
  • Within the correct specific gravity range
  • Looks like urine

That’s the bare minimum, although I will point out that urea and uric acid aren’t actually looked for during standard drug testing validity checks. However, if a more advanced scrutiny is undertaken then they need to be present.

Creatinine is a byproduct of creatine, which is used to fuel muscles. It’s always present in urine. If it’s not there, and it’s not there within the correct balance, then it shows either a fake or diluted sample.

fake pee for drug test

Keeping Fake Pee Within The Correct Temperature Range

The other vital factor is ensuring that the fake urine is submitted within the correct temperature range.

Urine actually exits the body within a very narrow temperature range, usually between 98°F and 100°F. Very occasionally, it can be slightly hotter if you are very unwell (have a fever and would not be going for a drug test), and occasionally a little lower.

Legally, urine samples have to be accepted if they are within 90°F and 100°F though. The lower band of 90°F is to allow for two minutes of cooling.

You have to hand over your sample, and it has to be tested for its temperature, within two minutes of it being done. Watch out for that when you submit yours.

So when you are using fake urine, you need to be sure that the fake urine kit you are buying contains a method to heat it up, or at least keep it within the correct temperature range.

The most common method is an air-activated heatpad. You strap it to the side of the sample, and it kicks out a steady heat within that temperature range so that it stays warm for one or more hours, allowing you to transport and submit it. Only specialist heatpad do this though, not just any heatpad.

The problem with heatpads, as a couple of people I know, have found, is that they don’t kick out a steady heat for very long. If you are late, you prepare the sample early, or it’s a faulty pad, you can have a sample that’s too hot, or too cold.

The other method is heat activator powder. Only two products use it, so I will cover using that in the fake urine reviews later in this guide.

Validity Checks & How A Sample Is Tested

When you hand over your sample, within two minutes, they have to check the temperature range is within the 90°F and 100°F range. If it’s outside that, the specimen will be rejected. The next step of the process is to check that it’s a valid sample. This will be done almost immediately after you leave.

A dipstick is used with the sample, usually with five different reactive strips on it. They will react to the following five things:

  • Creatinine levels
  • Specific gravity
  • Ph level
  • Nitrate levels
  • Oxidant/PCC presence

Creatinine is always present in urine, and if it’s at low levels then it points to a diluted sample.

Specific gravity and pH levels need to be within the correct ranges as well, otherwise it again points towards a diluted or adulterated sample.

Higher levels of nitrates in a urine sample also point to an adulterated specimen. Nitrates are present in several substances which have the ability to oxidize drug metabolites, especially cannabis metabolites.

Bleach, iodine, peroxide, and a few other substances can be used to oxidize drug metabolites. That’s why PCC presence is also checked for.

If it passes that validity test, then your sample will be tested using the panel drug test level it’s been paid for. This panel drug test could be done on physical panels, or via digital equipment (immunoassay).

If any of the validity tests flag up, or visual scrutiny arouse suspicion, then your sample will be sent for a full mass spectrometry – gas chromatography analysis. If this happens, then nothing is going to pass, but that situation is very rare.

fake urine sample

These Are The Fake Urine Kit Products That You Should Avoid

To stand up to any level of scrutiny you are going to have to use the best fake urine you can find.

There are several brands of urine out there which have a good reputation, and strong reviews, but are actually terrible for passing drug tests.

Part of the problem is that they are old products. So they have been around a long time, and built up a lot of online reviews and chat. The trouble is that the volume of good reviews is shown first, which means the more current bad reviews don’t get as much scrutiny.

Plus, some fake urine is just crap. It’s designed for fetish use, or even used as an animal repellent and just doesn’t contain any of the chemical structure required to pass a drug test.

These are the five brands which I definitely recommend you do not use:

  • Ultrapure
  • Magnum
  • Agent X
  • Xstream
  • U Pass

let me just talk about Magnum so you can understand how poor these urine products are.

People started pointing out that Magnum didn’t contain uric acid. If it went for a more thorough analysis, it was bound to fail a drug test. So Magnum just started adding a vial of uric acid to the box they sold. The idea was that you would pour it into the actual fake urine.

That’s obviously ridiculous. No reformulation, just handing responsibility to the person who bought it to hope that this half measure paid off.

Let’s Talk About Biocide

A few years back there was a sudden uptick in reports of fake urine failing drug tests.

It seemed to be most brands that were suddenly failing. People on knowledgeable forums, and places like Reddit, were starting to think that drug testing companies had found a way to spot fake urine.

However, it turned out that a handful of brands, actually the better ones mostly, were still working. So it wasn’t just that they had found a way to spot fake urine samples. There seemed to be a footprint, something common to all these products which was being looked for. The chief culprit was biocide preservatives.

Biocide is found in many products from make up to household cleaners, and they help to keep products fresh and lengthen the shelf life.

Biocide is also in many types of fake urine. Lots of analysis, by lots of people including me, over a couple of years came to the conclusion that it was biocide that was being looked for as an extra dipstick reaction panel on the initial validity testing strips.

To my knowledge, there are only four reliable and high quality brands of fake urine on the market right now, which can pass a drug test and that don’t contain biocide. So let’s take a look at them now with detailed reviews.

Detailed Synthetic Urine Reviews: Top Four Best Synthetic Urine Kits

For me, these are the four best synthetic urine products you can buy right now. I’m doing a detailed review of each of them, including instructions for use, so that you can compare the quality and process.

1. Quick Luck (premium product) – Best Fake Urine Product 2022

Quick Luck isn’t cheap. It costs $100. But it’s the premium synthetic urine product right now, and the best you can buy. It has the following properties which make it stand out from almost everything else:

  • Looks, froths, and even smells like urine
  • Balanced for ph and specific gravity
  • Contains the right amount of creatinine
  • Contains the right amount of uric acid and urea
  • In total it contains 14 chemicals that are found in urine
  • Comes with the incredible heat activator powder
  • Also included in the kit is a heatpad

You are getting the best fake urine you can buy. Premixed, ready to use, complex in formula.

This will even pass the scrutiny of a full immunoassay and analysis. So whatever level of scrutiny it faces, it’s going to be your best chance of passing.

Here are the instructions for using Quick Luck:

  1. It’s possible to preheat this. You can use a microwave, and warm it in 15 second bursts until it registers on the temperature strip.
  2. If you want to preheat it, before you start microwaving, activate the heatpad so that it’s ready for when the sample reaches the right temperature. Then attach the two together.
  3. Whether you pre-warm it or not, you will then head off to the location you are submitting your sample at. Just outside, you will check the temperature.
  4. Whether it’s cooled or not, you can use the heat activator powder to raise the temperature. Add a little bit, shake it up until it dissolves, and monitor the temperature. Only add more in small amounts, and eventually, it will reach the temperature range required.

That’s really all there is to it. Just make sure that you submit your sample within about 15 minutes of getting it to within the right temperature range if you are only using heat activator powder not the heat pad.

The heatpad is really an insurance policy. It allows you to transport the sample prewarmed, and then just use the heat activator powder to top it up if necessary.

But for me, I just wouldn’t bother with the heatpad. The heat activator powder works fine on its own. About one third of the total powder supplied is enough to usually raise the temperature to between 90°F and 100°F, and it makes the sample far less bulky to smuggle in.

Overall, the combo of the complexity and the power in the heat activator powder takes all the stress out of passing a drug test. Unless you are very unlucky, then it’s worth every penny due to its ability to pass scrutiny.

I’ve actually never used Quick Luck to pass a drug test, but I have used its sister product I’m now about to talk about. If I face another one any time soon, it’s Quick Luck I will be using now.

2. Sub Solution (Best all-round choice)

Sub Solution is like the little brother of Quick Luck. A few years older, and ever so slightly simpler in the formula, just like Quick Luck though its formula is updated annually.

It’s the best all-around choice when you consider everything about it. It costs $85. It gets the heat activator powder into your hands, and the formula is pretty much the same as Quick Luck.

The only downside to Sub Solution Vs Quick Luck is that Sub Solution is a powder. You will need to mix it with filtered water to use it.

But overall, apart from the premixing thing, there’s really not much to choose between them, and usage instructions are pretty much the same:

  1. The first thing you need to do is hydrate the bottle powder that you receive. Use filtered water (not bottled water or tap water) to do this. Fill the bottle to the line and then shake it until it’s dissolved and clear, basically looking like urine.
  2. Unlike with Quick Luck, you can’t heat the sample in advance. There is no heatpad with the fake urine kit for you to do this, so you’ll just have to do it on arrival.
  3. When you arrive at the venue you will submit your sample, just before you go in, tap in about one-third of the heat activator powder. Shake it gently until it dissolves, and then watch the temperature strip. If after two minutes nothing’s happened, add a little more and repeat the process. Keep doing this until a reading registers and then get the temperature as close to 100°F as you can without going over.

That’s all the steps there are in the Sub Solution. Just one more step than Quick Luck, and that’s mixing up the powder.

No, you don’t get the heatpad as an additional heat source option, but it’s really not necessary.

The beauty of Quick Luck and Sub Solution is that because the drug test will be unsupervised, you can even check the temperature when you are behind a screen or in the cubicle. If it’s cooled too much, you can simply tap in a more heat activator powder and get the temperature into the legal range before you hand it over.

best synthetic urine kit

3. Quick Fix – Best Budget Fake Pee Brand

Third, on my list is Quick Fix. For me, it’s the best budget fake urine kit you can buy.

Usually costing just $30, you can even upgrade to Quick Fix plus for another $10. Let me just say at the start of this review that Quick Fix plus isn’t a better product. You just get 3 fluid ounces of premixed urine rather than 2 ounces.

For most drug tests that’s not really an issue, but some drug tests do ask for a bigger sample. Although, none of them require anything approaching 2 fluid ounces, let alone three. Quick Fix is premixed. It’s not as complex as Sub Solution or Quick Luck though, but it does contain creatine, urea, and uric acid.

It also looks like urine but doesn’t really smell or froth like it. It’s great for a basic drug test though where there isn’t much scrutiny on it.

These are the instructions for using Quick Fix to pass a drug test:

  1. Activate the heatpad so that it’s warm when it’s attached to the sample. It only needs a couple of minutes to reach its maximum temperature.
  2. Because it’s premixed you simply need to heat up in the microwave. Loosen the lid and put it in. Then microwave on full power for about 15 seconds. Take it out and gently agitate it and check the temperature strip.
  3. Repeat step one until you get a reading on the temperature strip. You’ll want to get it as close to 100°F as possible without going over. Look for a stable temperature as close to 100°F as possible that stays there for a couple of minutes.
  4. Attach the pre-activated heatpad using the supplied elastic band, or preferably some secure tape.
  5. When you arrive at the venue, check the temperature strip. If it’s cooled and it hasn’t got a reading on the temperature strip, then you’ll need to warm it up. Unfortunately, the only way to do this is to use an external heat source, but I will talk about that in the section on top tips for using fake pee for drug test after the reviews.

So as you can see, Quick Fix is a very basic formula and it uses a heatpad that could fail (although the failure rate is low).

But it’s plenty good enough to pass a basic pre-employment drug test or similar, and if you are on a budget or don’t care very much, then it’s a perfect solution.

  1. Test Clear Powdered Urine (Middle-ground alternative)

The last of my four top synthetic urine reviews is for Test Clear powdered urine.

Costing $50, it’s the middle ground in terms of price. It is powdered like Sub Solution, so you will need to hydrate it.

It claims to be actual powdered urine, not synthetic urine. I’m not sure if that’s true or not, but when hydrated it definitely looks and smells like the real thing.

Here are the instructions for using Test Clear powdered urine:

  1. Step one is to activate the heatpad so that it pre-warms and doesn’t allow cooling of the sample when attached.
  2. Using only filtered water, fill up the bottle of powder and hydrate it. Shake it gently until the powder vanishes.
  3. Microwave the sample gently for 15 seconds, then gently shake it and check the temperature strip. Put it back in for another 15 seconds, and repeat until it shows a reading on the temperature strip. You wanted to be as close to 100°F as possible, without it being above that.
  4. When it’s within the correct temperature range you can attach the heatpad to the bottle using tape to connect them firmly and ensure the join creates a steady heat from the heatpad into the urine.
  5. Again, just like with Quick Fix, you’ll need to check the temperature strip just before you enter the building where you will submit your sample. If it’s cooled too much, then you’ll have warm it up.

The Test Clear powdered urine is a great middle-ground product. A bit better in quality than Quick Fix, it will pass scrutiny better.

Top Tips For Passing A Urine Drug Test (Built On My Personal Experiences)

Now you have my top four synthetic urine kit recommendations.

Quick Luck for the premium all-around experience, Sub Solution for the best of the bunch for the money, Quick Fix if you are on a budget, and Test Clear if you want that middle ground of affordable quality.

I want to finish by talking you through my experiences with drug testing and how you can maximize your chances of passing using fake pee for drug test.

I just want to finish by saying that it’s actually really easy. As long as you’ve got the guts to hide the sample, and you use high-quality fake urine then it’s a cinch.

If you use Sub Solution or Quick Luck, I would recommend you also buy “the practice kit”. That contains the heat activator powder and allows you to practice with it to see how it reacts in liquid and warms it up before the day of your test.

Here are my top two tips to help you pass that test.

Tip #1

Let’s talk first about the cooling issue. With Sub Solution and Quick Luck it’s not a problem because of the heat activator powder. That will simply raise the temperature in seconds.

But with a fake urine product that uses a heatpad, you have no additional heat source to use. So what do you do if you arrive and check the temperature and it’s cooled below 90°F?

Well, my top tip is to take a flask of hot water with you. Not boiling, as that could melt the plastic bottle the urine is in, just close to boiling.

Gently pour it on a bit at a time (being careful to avoid your hand), and shake it gently every so often then check the temperature strip. That should do enough to raise the temperature the few degrees that is needed.

Tip #2

My second tip is how to carry the urine. You need to hide it discreetly. Although it’s unsupervised, and you can’t be directly searched (you can be patted down but not touched intimately), then there’s really only one place to put it. What you’ll need is two pairs of sizeable underwear. Tuck it in between the two pairs, so that it’s not against your skin but is in close proximity and securely fits and doesn’t slip.

Make sure it’s right in the crotch where they can’t touch you. Not only does this keep it safe, but it will keep it warm and closer to body temperature.

Just make sure you where baggy jogging bottoms and a matching top or t-shirt so that you don’t arouse suspicion and look natural, while concealing the bulge.

Challenging The Biggest Myths About Domestic/Relationship Abuse

When it comes to domestic and relationship abuse, there are some huge myths that have been perpetuated over decades. Even though there’s a lot of behavioral science studying all aspects of this now, some of these myths persist.

These myths persist generally, but some species in certain cultures, especially religious, certain countries, and certain classes as well.

But generally, these myths, and situations can apply to anyone, anywhere in the world. So let’s take a look at the top myths about abuse and discuss why they are mostly wrong.

  1. Alcohol And Drugs Make People Violent And Abusive

This is certainly true. People kick off under the influence of alcohol and drugs far more than they do when they are sober. So it stands to reason that people are going to be more violent and abusive relationships and the influence of alcohol and drugs.

But it doesn’t make normal people become abusive. It can make people angry, and very occasionally make them lash out depending on the situation and their mental health, but it does not make someone abusive or excuse the abuse.

Alcohol and drugs make abusive people more abusive. It will tip them over the edge, bring it out into the open, and amplify behaviors they already have.

So although it will be claimed, for example, that men are more violent under the influence of alcohol and drugs in relationships, the truth is that those men would be violent and aggressive anyway.

  1. If It’s So Bad Then Why Don’t They Just Leave?

Thinking this ignores all of the knowledge about how abusers break down their victims so that their mental health suffers. They become incapable of leaving sometimes or are just too scared.

They can be terrified of physical and social repercussions against themselves, their family, or their children as well. That’s why so many women have to run in the night because they are scared of what will happen.

In addition, abusers always take control of finances and other resources. There are simply very few options for the person who is being abused to take.

  1. Abuse Always Involves Physical Violence And Coercion

This is definitely not the case. Women can abuse men without any physical violence or threat at all. They use skillful emotional and sexual manipulation instead.

Whichever sex is doing it, what really breaks someone down is a pattern of controlling, threatening, degrading, and coercive behavior that gets the person confused, depressed, anxious, and starts to break down their sanity.

Add in financial abuse, harassment, stalking, sexual abuse, and online abuse, alongside coercive and controlling behavior, and it’s perfectly possible to be in an extremely abusive relationship without any hint of a physical threat.

abuse at home

  1. They Can Be A Good Parent And Don’t Abuse Children

Abused women often make this excuse to justify staying in the relationship, and to fool themselves into thinking that the children are safe.

Of course, someone can be a good parent and be abusive. They can even not be abusive towards the children at all. However, that is not the most common way things happen.

It’s estimated that 90% of children in abused relationships witnessed abuse under-affected by it for the long term. Therefore, even if it’s not directly abuse of the children, the atmosphere and situation in the house can have lifelong effects, which can also normalize abuse and turn the children into abusers in adult life.

  1. They Were Provoked By My Bad Behavior

Abusers always blame the victim. They will make out that they were provoked physically, or emotionally, to lash out and lay into the abused victim.

This puts guilt on the abused party, and it becomes deep-rooted. It not only relieves the abuser of responsibility for their own actions, but it also makes the entire situation twisted into the person who has been abused taking responsibility for the abuse happening.

Sustained abuse is never the victim’s fault. Although people can be cruel and provoke the other person into acts, and then turn against them in an abusive manner, sustained abusive relationship cannot ever be the fault of the victim, no matter what the individual acts they do in retaliation.

However, it is possible for two people to develop a codependent abusive relationship where both are continually provoking bad behavior in the other.

  1. It’s A Private Family Matter And Nobody Else Needs To Know

This attitude is especially prevalent in certain cultures, especially India, Asia, and the Middle East, although it can happen anywhere, especially if there is a religious background to the family.

It’s often linked to family honor, religion, and social conditioning. It’s all designed to create social cohesion at the expense of individual liberties.

Abuse is never a private family matter. Society pays huge prices for the problems it creates, especially with children who end up being unable to go through the education system, and then who move into criminality.

If you are being abused, it is not a private matter. You need to seek help and escalated as widely and quickly as you can to escape.

An abusive partner will also emphasize that they believe it’s a private matter, and will aggressively stop you from trying to make this otherwise. Of course, making it public loses control, which is not what they want, therefore they try and convince you that keeping your suffering private is the right thing to do.

  1. Women Are Just As Abusive As Men (Although This Is Becoming More Contested)

It is somewhat a myth that women are as abusive as men. Overwhelmingly, the reported cases of domestic abuse in every country in the world are experienced by women who are partners to men.  Death rates in abusive relationships are overwhelmingly amongst women and not men.

However, this is contested due to the ways that the different sexes are abusive and manipulated.

In a relationship, they can also be incredibly cruel, belittling men’s performance and manhood, and breaking them down just as badly as men do.

Although domestic violence does usually involve men abusing women, and does usually involve physical violence, simplifying it to saying men equal physically violent and abusive and women do not is simplistic and wrong.

Another problem with organizations claiming that women are not as abusive as men, is that they disregard the growing evidence that men simply do not report it. Men are not believed, they are ridiculed and laughed at, and not taken seriously in the way that women are.

Because men are expected to be men, and this “suck it up, you’re a man” attitude is still prevalent, abuse by female partners on male partners is a hidden epidemic that is not getting the attention it deserves in many countries.

  1. Women Often Lie About Partner Abuse To Get Children Or Money

Some women do lie about partner abuse to get children or money through custody battles. This is an undeniable fact. However, it is a very small minority in the overall numbers. There are always bad apples, and sex does not define that.

The truth is that all people are just as capable of lying over children and money to try and get an advantage during a breakup, regardless of their sex. However, because women tend to want custody of children, and men don’t, then they are often prepared to do more to get the children and the money to support them, even if it does mean using abusive behavior to achieve their goals.

  1. Women Are Attracted To Abusive Men (This Is Contested)

It is a myth that women are attracted to abusive men. Generally, women are simply not attracted to these traits. However, some women definitely are. Sometimes this is due to social conditioning, sexual preferences, or conditioning through seeing how parents acted.

Also, it can be a sign of previous abuse in childhood or previous abusive relationships that have normalized abusive men.

There are also women who do like “bad boys”, they do like men who are on the edge. They like men who fight, who lash out, and they like to be made to feel small and female. They see this knife edge as exciting until it spills over into inevitable relationship abuse.

But this is a small minority, and it is a complete myth that women generally are attracted to men who are abuse.

  1. People Who Are Abusive Had Abusive Parents

Domestic abuse is prevalent in all classes of society and in all countries. It simplistic to say that men who abuse women had fathers who abuse their mothers, and vice versa.

But the majority of people who had abusive parents will not turn into abusers themselves. It can be a trigger because it has normalized that type of behavior, but conversely it can make people sensitive and hyper-aware of any type of abuse.

Abuse is triggered by many things. There are a lot of reasons why people become abusive and controlling. In many instances, a partner feels that they will be cheated on due to a previous relationship, for example.

But the truth is that there is no overall pattern that suggests that people who are abusive did have abusive parents, although it is acknowledged that it is one of the triggers that can generate abuse in that person towards others.

The Top Warning Signs Of Potential Domestic Abuse

Some of the obvious signs of domestic abuse can raise immediate warning signals in the people around the woman (usually), or the man suffering them. You may think it makes it easy to identify, but that’s not always the case.

Whether you are looking at someone you think is in an abusive relationship, or you think you are in one yourself, there are several key signals to look out for potential problems, or that you are ignoring or covering up sexual abuse.

What I’m going to do here is talk you through the top warning signs, both physical and emotional.

We will also cover some of the confusion that people can have which leads to accusations that aren’t actually true I’ll also cover the fashionable new buzz term “gaslighting” and explain exactly what it is, and what it isn’t.

Physical Signs Of Potential Physical Abuse

Not all abuse is physical. However, there are usually physical signs that physical coercion and aggression is part of the tactics being used. Sometimes physical abuse is calculated, while other times it is pure lashing out and aggression. Sometimes it’s a combination of both.

There are a ton of physical signs, consistent with being pushed over, being punched, choked, being hit with things, or other signs of physical abuse/torture. The most obvious ones will be facial features ones, then the arms and legs, and then the torso. Also, marks around the neck can be a signal as well.

If you notice a friend covering themselves up when they did previously, especially in inappropriate circumstances then it can be a signal.

Likewise, if somebody used the go swimming, or to the beach, and is now not doing that, always wearing unusual clothing, then it could all be assigned.

However, also be aware that there are physical signs that are not abusive. It could be consensual sexual play, it could merely be accidents, or even an underlying health condition causing bruising that they just don’t want to talk about.

Emotional Signs Of Potential Abuse

Emotional signs of physical abuse are far more difficult to spot, and far more subjective.

Often, they can just be a signal that something else is going on. They could just be general unhappiness with the relationship, or it could be something like depression that is completely unrelated.

That’s why confronting someone about what you see as signs of emotional abuse can be so much more challenging unless you directly see them for yourself.

Some of the key signals of emotional abuse that could point towards this happening are:

  • Agitation and anxiety
  • Developing drug or alcohol problems
  • Change in sleep patterns
  • Loss of interest in daily activities
  • Fearful outlook
  • Depression
  • Look of fear when someone is angry
  • Suicidal thoughts and comments
  • Low self-esteem
  • Fear of partner
  • Not wanting to talk about partner
  • Constantly defending partner

These can be your own signals, or you can spot them and someone else. But again, every single one of these can be due to another reason, you have to look at a bigger trend to see if someone could be in danger.

If this is you reading and trying to work out if you have symptoms of emotional abuse, and usually deep down you do know. If you look at that list and see many things on there and the root cause is the partner, then you know the truth.

Gaslighting: What It Is & What It Isn’t

Gaslighting is a phrase which is thrown around more and more nowadays. In extreme circumstances, simply disagreeing with someone’s recollection gets you accused of gaslighting.

The truth is that most people have very limited recollection skills. Studies have shown that people’s recollection of events can be hugely different. One person is adamant someone was wearing a certain color, and someone else states a completely different color.

The second thing to understand is that anxiety and previous bad experiences can cause you to project this onto a partner with no evidence at all.

The third problem is that drugs and alcohol can affect how people recollect things and this increases the severity of the differences in the realities perceived.

To be clear, gaslighting is a consistent, orchestrated, campaign to make you lose your mind. A person will deliberately move things, lie, and state that black is white to make you uncertain and back down.

It’s a control mechanism designed to break the person down and get them to not believe their own thoughts, and to completely rely on the person conducting the campaign. It’s psychological abuse in order to condition for complete control.

Forgetting where you put your car keys is something we all do. But if you have got it into your head that your partner is gaslighting you, then finding them where you didn’t expect them immediately makes you think that they moved them deliberately to mess with your head. But nine times out of 10, you simply forgot.

So don’t fall for the modern trend of attacking anyone or whose perception is different to yours. You have to look at the long-term trend of the person in relation to you, and you have to take into account your own biases, past experiences, and mental health.

Gaslighting is something incredibly difficult to prove. However, by understanding what it really is and taking a step back you can spot the long-term trend confirmed yourself if it’s happening, or whether there is something else going on.

Behavioral Changes That Can Occur With Domestic Abuse

Behavioral changes are actually the biggest sign that something is going on. Both with yourself, or someone you know, it’s the behavior changes that are often most noticeable and the biggest red flag.

For example, someone who was previously outgoing and happy and suddenly becomes withdrawn, especially a few months into a new relationship, could be suffering from abuse.

But it might not be that. It could be another health concern, money worries, depression, literally a myriad of other things changing them. Generally, though, you’re looking for several notable behavioral changes. It’s not about someone happy becoming miserable, it’s about big swings in usual and established behavior patterns.

This can be isolating where previously they were outgoing. But on the other side of that coin it can be someone who is usually reserved demanding to go out and then getting very drunk and angry.

So it’s not necessarily about what you would assume, withdrawing, cutting off, going quiet. It is about a big swing in established, normal behavior, into abnormal behavior.

What Controlling Behavior Looks Like & What It’s Not

It’s very easy to assume controlling behavior, and often that is the case. But you should remember that every relationship is different and not judged by your standards, or the cookie-cutter standards of newspapers or advice columnists.

Someone could be completely happy in that style of relationship and be thriving on it, even though you feel it’s unhealthy.

So controlling behavior is not always black and white. However, if someone is referring to the partner as moody, or having a temper, and their previously established behavior patterns are dramatically different, then it is a big red flag.

Physical violence signs, emotional abuse of signs, limiting on socializing, control over all aspects of life, questioning, short temperedness, fear, dramatic swings in previous behaviors, shunning family and friends; you have to put together the big picture if it’s someone you are concerned about.

Should You Step In If You See Any Of The Physical Or Mental Signs?

As you can see, it’s not simple. Although sometimes it is blatantly obvious, and the person may say it to you, or if it’s you, you will know, it’s not always clear-cut.

If you have concerns about someone, you should try and get close and observe. The more information you get, the more you can reach a good conclusion, rather than a knee-jerk one that could be wrong.

For example, many guides say that “excessive privacy” around their partner’s relationship is a warning sign. But think about that, why is it? Many people are very private and don’t talk about themselves.

Also, consider alternative lifestyles. Some people have unusual relationship types that they both thrive in.  BDSM-influenced relationships, for example, can look incredibly odd and abusive on the outside but are actually very close and mutually consenting. Just because you don’t understand it, it doesn’t mean it’s abusive.

Consent is crucial, and if somebody understands that and expresses it to you, you must accept their word, whatever your own views.

So you cannot look in isolation, or look at a handful of things. If you spot signs, you need to be educated and spot many of them before you can have the confidence to consider stepping in. Stepping in should also be very gentle. It should be sitting with that person alone and prompting a discussion where they could open up. Give them signals that you are concerned.

Whatever you do, do not go wading in accusing people of abuse, gaslighting, physical violence, demanding that the relationship breaks up, and attacking both parties.

If there isn’t any abuse and you have misjudged, then you are causing trauma and being abusive yourself. If there is abuse, it could trigger a circling the wagons that create a shared attack which strengthens resolve and leaving you unable to have access at all.