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Challenging The Biggest Myths About Domestic/Relationship Abuse

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When it comes to domestic and relationship abuse, there are some huge myths that have been perpetuated over decades. Even though there’s a lot of behavioral science studying all aspects of this now, some of these myths persist.

These myths persist generally, but some species in certain cultures, especially religious, certain countries, and certain classes as well.

But generally, these myths, and situations can apply to anyone, anywhere in the world. So let’s take a look at the top myths about abuse and discuss why they are mostly wrong.

  1. Alcohol And Drugs Make People Violent And Abusive

This is certainly true. People kick off under the influence of alcohol and drugs far more than they do when they are sober. So it stands to reason that people are going to be more violent and abusive relationships and the influence of alcohol and drugs.

But it doesn’t make normal people become abusive. It can make people angry, and very occasionally make them lash out depending on the situation and their mental health, but it does not make someone abusive or excuse the abuse.

Alcohol and drugs make abusive people more abusive. It will tip them over the edge, bring it out into the open, and amplify behaviors they already have.

So although it will be claimed, for example, that men are more violent under the influence of alcohol and drugs in relationships, the truth is that those men would be violent and aggressive anyway.

  1. If It’s So Bad Then Why Don’t They Just Leave?

Thinking this ignores all of the knowledge about how abusers break down their victims so that their mental health suffers. They become incapable of leaving sometimes or are just too scared.

They can be terrified of physical and social repercussions against themselves, their family, or their children as well. That’s why so many women have to run in the night because they are scared of what will happen.

In addition, abusers always take control of finances and other resources. There are simply very few options for the person who is being abused to take.

  1. Abuse Always Involves Physical Violence And Coercion

This is definitely not the case. Women can abuse men without any physical violence or threat at all. They use skillful emotional and sexual manipulation instead.

Whichever sex is doing it, what really breaks someone down is a pattern of controlling, threatening, degrading, and coercive behavior that gets the person confused, depressed, anxious, and starts to break down their sanity.

Add in financial abuse, harassment, stalking, sexual abuse, and online abuse, alongside coercive and controlling behavior, and it’s perfectly possible to be in an extremely abusive relationship without any hint of a physical threat.

abuse at home

  1. They Can Be A Good Parent And Don’t Abuse Children

Abused women often make this excuse to justify staying in the relationship, and to fool themselves into thinking that the children are safe.

Of course, someone can be a good parent and be abusive. They can even not be abusive towards the children at all. However, that is not the most common way things happen.

It’s estimated that 90% of children in abused relationships witnessed abuse under-affected by it for the long term. Therefore, even if it’s not directly abuse of the children, the atmosphere and situation in the house can have lifelong effects, which can also normalize abuse and turn the children into abusers in adult life.

  1. They Were Provoked By My Bad Behavior

Abusers always blame the victim. They will make out that they were provoked physically, or emotionally, to lash out and lay into the abused victim.

This puts guilt on the abused party, and it becomes deep-rooted. It not only relieves the abuser of responsibility for their own actions, but it also makes the entire situation twisted into the person who has been abused taking responsibility for the abuse happening.

Sustained abuse is never the victim’s fault. Although people can be cruel and provoke the other person into acts, and then turn against them in an abusive manner, sustained abusive relationship cannot ever be the fault of the victim, no matter what the individual acts they do in retaliation.

However, it is possible for two people to develop a codependent abusive relationship where both are continually provoking bad behavior in the other.

  1. It’s A Private Family Matter And Nobody Else Needs To Know

This attitude is especially prevalent in certain cultures, especially India, Asia, and the Middle East, although it can happen anywhere, especially if there is a religious background to the family.

It’s often linked to family honor, religion, and social conditioning. It’s all designed to create social cohesion at the expense of individual liberties.

Abuse is never a private family matter. Society pays huge prices for the problems it creates, especially with children who end up being unable to go through the education system, and then who move into criminality.

If you are being abused, it is not a private matter. You need to seek help and escalated as widely and quickly as you can to escape.

An abusive partner will also emphasize that they believe it’s a private matter, and will aggressively stop you from trying to make this otherwise. Of course, making it public loses control, which is not what they want, therefore they try and convince you that keeping your suffering private is the right thing to do.

  1. Women Are Just As Abusive As Men (Although This Is Becoming More Contested)

It is somewhat a myth that women are as abusive as men. Overwhelmingly, the reported cases of domestic abuse in every country in the world are experienced by women who are partners to men.  Death rates in abusive relationships are overwhelmingly amongst women and not men.

However, this is contested due to the ways that the different sexes are abusive and manipulated.

In a relationship, they can also be incredibly cruel, belittling men’s performance and manhood, and breaking them down just as badly as men do.

Although domestic violence does usually involve men abusing women, and does usually involve physical violence, simplifying it to saying men equal physically violent and abusive and women do not is simplistic and wrong.

Another problem with organizations claiming that women are not as abusive as men, is that they disregard the growing evidence that men simply do not report it. Men are not believed, they are ridiculed and laughed at, and not taken seriously in the way that women are.

Because men are expected to be men, and this “suck it up, you’re a man” attitude is still prevalent, abuse by female partners on male partners is a hidden epidemic that is not getting the attention it deserves in many countries.

  1. Women Often Lie About Partner Abuse To Get Children Or Money

Some women do lie about partner abuse to get children or money through custody battles. This is an undeniable fact. However, it is a very small minority in the overall numbers. There are always bad apples, and sex does not define that.

The truth is that all people are just as capable of lying over children and money to try and get an advantage during a breakup, regardless of their sex. However, because women tend to want custody of children, and men don’t, then they are often prepared to do more to get the children and the money to support them, even if it does mean using abusive behavior to achieve their goals.

  1. Women Are Attracted To Abusive Men (This Is Contested)

It is a myth that women are attracted to abusive men. Generally, women are simply not attracted to these traits. However, some women definitely are. Sometimes this is due to social conditioning, sexual preferences, or conditioning through seeing how parents acted.

Also, it can be a sign of previous abuse in childhood or previous abusive relationships that have normalized abusive men.

There are also women who do like “bad boys”, they do like men who are on the edge. They like men who fight, who lash out, and they like to be made to feel small and female. They see this knife edge as exciting until it spills over into inevitable relationship abuse.

But this is a small minority, and it is a complete myth that women generally are attracted to men who are abuse.

  1. People Who Are Abusive Had Abusive Parents

Domestic abuse is prevalent in all classes of society and in all countries. It simplistic to say that men who abuse women had fathers who abuse their mothers, and vice versa.

But the majority of people who had abusive parents will not turn into abusers themselves. It can be a trigger because it has normalized that type of behavior, but conversely it can make people sensitive and hyper-aware of any type of abuse.

Abuse is triggered by many things. There are a lot of reasons why people become abusive and controlling. In many instances, a partner feels that they will be cheated on due to a previous relationship, for example.

But the truth is that there is no overall pattern that suggests that people who are abusive did have abusive parents, although it is acknowledged that it is one of the triggers that can generate abuse in that person towards others.

The Top Warning Signs Of Potential Domestic Abuse

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Some of the obvious signs of domestic abuse can raise immediate warning signals in the people around the woman (usually), or the man suffering them. You may think it makes it easy to identify, but that’s not always the case.

Whether you are looking at someone you think is in an abusive relationship, or you think you are in one yourself, there are several key signals to look out for potential problems, or that you are ignoring or covering up sexual abuse.

What I’m going to do here is talk you through the top warning signs, both physical and emotional.

We will also cover some of the confusion that people can have which leads to accusations that aren’t actually true I’ll also cover the fashionable new buzz term “gaslighting” and explain exactly what it is, and what it isn’t.

Physical Signs Of Potential Physical Abuse

Not all abuse is physical. However, there are usually physical signs that physical coercion and aggression is part of the tactics being used. Sometimes physical abuse is calculated, while other times it is pure lashing out and aggression. Sometimes it’s a combination of both.

There are a ton of physical signs, consistent with being pushed over, being punched, choked, being hit with things, or other signs of physical abuse/torture. The most obvious ones will be facial features ones, then the arms and legs, and then the torso. Also, marks around the neck can be a signal as well.

If you notice a friend covering themselves up when they did previously, especially in inappropriate circumstances then it can be a signal.

Likewise, if somebody used the go swimming, or to the beach, and is now not doing that, always wearing unusual clothing, then it could all be assigned.

However, also be aware that there are physical signs that are not abusive. It could be consensual sexual play, it could merely be accidents, or even an underlying health condition causing bruising that they just don’t want to talk about.

Emotional Signs Of Potential Abuse

Emotional signs of physical abuse are far more difficult to spot, and far more subjective.

Often, they can just be a signal that something else is going on. They could just be general unhappiness with the relationship, or it could be something like depression that is completely unrelated.

That’s why confronting someone about what you see as signs of emotional abuse can be so much more challenging unless you directly see them for yourself.

Some of the key signals of emotional abuse that could point towards this happening are:

  • Agitation and anxiety
  • Developing drug or alcohol problems
  • Change in sleep patterns
  • Loss of interest in daily activities
  • Fearful outlook
  • Depression
  • Look of fear when someone is angry
  • Suicidal thoughts and comments
  • Low self-esteem
  • Fear of partner
  • Not wanting to talk about partner
  • Constantly defending partner

These can be your own signals, or you can spot them and someone else. But again, every single one of these can be due to another reason, you have to look at a bigger trend to see if someone could be in danger.

If this is you reading and trying to work out if you have symptoms of emotional abuse, and usually deep down you do know. If you look at that list and see many things on there and the root cause is the partner, then you know the truth.

Gaslighting: What It Is & What It Isn’t

Gaslighting is a phrase which is thrown around more and more nowadays. In extreme circumstances, simply disagreeing with someone’s recollection gets you accused of gaslighting.

The truth is that most people have very limited recollection skills. Studies have shown that people’s recollection of events can be hugely different. One person is adamant someone was wearing a certain color, and someone else states a completely different color.

The second thing to understand is that anxiety and previous bad experiences can cause you to project this onto a partner with no evidence at all.

The third problem is that drugs and alcohol can affect how people recollect things and this increases the severity of the differences in the realities perceived.

To be clear, gaslighting is a consistent, orchestrated, campaign to make you lose your mind. A person will deliberately move things, lie, and state that black is white to make you uncertain and back down.

It’s a control mechanism designed to break the person down and get them to not believe their own thoughts, and to completely rely on the person conducting the campaign. It’s psychological abuse in order to condition for complete control.

Forgetting where you put your car keys is something we all do. But if you have got it into your head that your partner is gaslighting you, then finding them where you didn’t expect them immediately makes you think that they moved them deliberately to mess with your head. But nine times out of 10, you simply forgot.

So don’t fall for the modern trend of attacking anyone or whose perception is different to yours. You have to look at the long-term trend of the person in relation to you, and you have to take into account your own biases, past experiences, and mental health.

Gaslighting is something incredibly difficult to prove. However, by understanding what it really is and taking a step back you can spot the long-term trend confirmed yourself if it’s happening, or whether there is something else going on.

Behavioral Changes That Can Occur With Domestic Abuse

Behavioral changes are actually the biggest sign that something is going on. Both with yourself, or someone you know, it’s the behavior changes that are often most noticeable and the biggest red flag.

For example, someone who was previously outgoing and happy and suddenly becomes withdrawn, especially a few months into a new relationship, could be suffering from abuse.

But it might not be that. It could be another health concern, money worries, depression, literally a myriad of other things changing them. Generally, though, you’re looking for several notable behavioral changes. It’s not about someone happy becoming miserable, it’s about big swings in usual and established behavior patterns.

This can be isolating where previously they were outgoing. But on the other side of that coin it can be someone who is usually reserved demanding to go out and then getting very drunk and angry.

So it’s not necessarily about what you would assume, withdrawing, cutting off, going quiet. It is about a big swing in established, normal behavior, into abnormal behavior.

What Controlling Behavior Looks Like & What It’s Not

It’s very easy to assume controlling behavior, and often that is the case. But you should remember that every relationship is different and not judged by your standards, or the cookie-cutter standards of newspapers or advice columnists.

Someone could be completely happy in that style of relationship and be thriving on it, even though you feel it’s unhealthy.

So controlling behavior is not always black and white. However, if someone is referring to the partner as moody, or having a temper, and their previously established behavior patterns are dramatically different, then it is a big red flag.

Physical violence signs, emotional abuse of signs, limiting on socializing, control over all aspects of life, questioning, short temperedness, fear, dramatic swings in previous behaviors, shunning family and friends; you have to put together the big picture if it’s someone you are concerned about.

Should You Step In If You See Any Of The Physical Or Mental Signs?

As you can see, it’s not simple. Although sometimes it is blatantly obvious, and the person may say it to you, or if it’s you, you will know, it’s not always clear-cut.

If you have concerns about someone, you should try and get close and observe. The more information you get, the more you can reach a good conclusion, rather than a knee-jerk one that could be wrong.

For example, many guides say that “excessive privacy” around their partner’s relationship is a warning sign. But think about that, why is it? Many people are very private and don’t talk about themselves.

Also, consider alternative lifestyles. Some people have unusual relationship types that they both thrive in.  BDSM-influenced relationships, for example, can look incredibly odd and abusive on the outside but are actually very close and mutually consenting. Just because you don’t understand it, it doesn’t mean it’s abusive.

Consent is crucial, and if somebody understands that and expresses it to you, you must accept their word, whatever your own views.

So you cannot look in isolation, or look at a handful of things. If you spot signs, you need to be educated and spot many of them before you can have the confidence to consider stepping in. Stepping in should also be very gentle. It should be sitting with that person alone and prompting a discussion where they could open up. Give them signals that you are concerned.

Whatever you do, do not go wading in accusing people of abuse, gaslighting, physical violence, demanding that the relationship breaks up, and attacking both parties.

If there isn’t any abuse and you have misjudged, then you are causing trauma and being abusive yourself. If there is abuse, it could trigger a circling the wagons that create a shared attack which strengthens resolve and leaving you unable to have access at all.